Flash Gordon Left Me The Keys

The TEST OF ALL MOTHERS

Thursday, April 10, 2003

 
Until now, I was greatly impressed by your intellectual curiosity. Aren't you, after all, the person with whom I once had a three-hour message-board conversation concerning the story arc of the legendary series Blake's 7? Was it not you who listened attentively to my passionate argument in favor of allowing Commissioner Gordon's daughter Barbara to rise from her wheelchair and walk again? And are you not the same person who, once I guided you to the myriad shifting universes of Roger Zelazny, devoured them with the intellectual curiosity of a young Ender Wiggin?

Such a thirst for knowledge I once saw in you. And yet now, you question whether learning Elvish is "worth the effort." Elvish! At once the cornerstone and most elusive of the great J.R.R. Tolkien's creations!

To be intimidated by the fact that mastery of Elvish takes a lifetime—that I can comprehend. But for you to question its usefulness or intrinsic value, Steven, how could you? I tell you now: Do not come crying to me when you need someone who speaks Elvish.

In all honesty, I do not see why you would shy from this challenge. No, it is not easy, but you had already made some inroads. You recognized the essential difference between the Cirth "runes" of Balin's tomb and the Tengwar "letters" corrupted by Sauron upon the One Ring—so basic and fundamental a difference that many students overlook it, to their later dismay. And, although I feel the high-elven dialect of Quenya would have given you trouble and Valarin, the tongue of the Valar, would likely forever elude your grasp, I thought you certainly capable of one day becoming conversant—if not fluent—in Sindarin. But it was not to be, for you, like Radagast The Brown, have chosen the path of blissful ignorance. In so doing, you turn your back on the riches of the world.

Frankly, Steven, given your current level of engagement, I'd be surprised if you could be bothered to study a crude, simple language like Klingon, with its guttural consonants and inelegant constructions.

You might think this harsh, but need I mention which of us once ran out into a freezing parking lot to obtain the autograph of John de Lancie? I know I'd promised to not bring it up again, but you seem to need reminding.

How long has it been since I lent you my copy of Tolkien's The Lost Road, which contains both his indispensable "Lhammas" and the utterly seminal "Etymologies"? Were these not enough to whet your appetite for Elvish languages? Perhaps I should not have even bothered: If Appendix F of Return Of The King did not light a fire within you, further encouragement was probably a fool's errand. But I will need those back soon (seeing as you seem to have no further use for them), along with my three-CD box set of The Shadow radio broadcasts and Tracy Scoggins workout video, at your earliest convenience.

Oh, and one other thing. As disappointed as I am, I would be crestfallen if I were to find out that the ProtoBaggins77 who's been posting lately on the Final Fantasy X board at GameFAQs is you. If you absolutely must go down that road, my former companion, I wish you would have at least chosen the superior FFVII, if not IV. At least then, I would know you were not beyond all hope.

Farewell, Steven. Perhaps one day, I will be able to greet you by saying "Elen Sila lumenn' omentielvo!" But assuming that doesn't happen, I would ask that you please drop off my stuff at the library's tech-help desk any time I'm not working.


 
After seen the Secoras and scoping out Noriega on the putting green with Hussein, this takes the cake. What to do next? "One day at breakfast, we heard a disembodied male voice groaning, 'Honeeey, where are my dress socks?'" John said. "It went on like that for almost an hour. We left out dress socks of all colors, but to no avail. Then, we started hearing more messages from beyond: 'Have you seen my keys?' 'Get almonds when you go to the store.' 'Did you pick up my suit from the cleaners?' Nothing remotely spooky or even interesting."


That was funny... but what you are looking is not what you seek. When ass sits on Mars.

 
Home No Advantage in NHL Playoffs Openers

Home is where the losses were on the first night of the NHL playoffs.

The biggest surprises were in Ottawa and Dallas, where the top-seeded Senators and Stars were beaten Wednesday night.

Ottawa, the Presidents' Trophy winner with 113 points, lost 3-0 to the New York Islanders - the No. 8 seed in the Eastern Conference. New York had 30 fewer points than the Senators in the regular season, but was able to back up coach Peter Laviolette's claim that he had the better team in this series.

"We played like a team, and it's good to feel like you're not alone on the ice," said Alexei Yashin, a former Senators player who scored for New York.

Edmonton, taking on the Stars in the playoffs for the sixth time in seven years, have a rare lead. The Oilers got it with a 2-1 win.
Toronto took a 1-0 lead in its best-of-seven series by beating the Flyers 5-3 in Philadelphia. In another Eastern Conference series, New Jersey became the only home team to win on opening night with a 2-1 victory over Boston.

All but one series in the East began Wednesday. Washington will play at Tampa Bay on Thursday night to start that series between Southeast Division rivals.

In the West on Thursday, defending champion Detroit will host Anaheim; St. Louis is in Vancouver; and Colorado will be at home to take on Minnesota in the Wild's playoff debut.

New York's Dave Scatchard and Shawn Bates added goals, and Garth Snow stopped 25 shots for his first playoff shutout.

"Our team on many occasions in big games has played big games," Laviolette said.

Scatchard and Yashin scored in the first period, and Bates made it 3-0 midway through the second.

"We believe that you work for your breaks, and we were working hard and rewarded for it," Islanders captain Mike Peca said.

Ottawa has a history of disappointing its fans. Despite seven straight postseason appearances and three 100-point seasons in five, the Senators have just two series wins and none when they have home-ice advantage.

"We were too overanxious," Ottawa captain Daniel Alfredsson said. "We were running around, trying to finish every check - we wanted to do too much."

Ryan Smyth scored a short-handed goal between the legs of Marty Turco, then Shawn Horcoff beat his glove, to send the Oilers on the way to victory.

Edmonton has a playoff lead over the Stars for the first time since 1997, when the Oilers won in seven games. Dallas won postseason meetings in 1998, '99, '00 and '01 and never trailed in any of those meetings.

"It's only the first game," Horcoff said, "but it's definitely gratifying."

Turco had a record-setting regular season with a 1.72 goals-against average, and he led the NHL with a 93.2 save percentage. But his playoff debut was a disappointing loss. He allowed two goals in a 3:48 span early in the second period.

"I felt pretty good in terms of nerves," said Turco, who made 21 saves. "We certainly learned a lesson. We're in for a battle."

Tommy Salo stopped 20 shots to earn just his fourth win in 16 playoff games.

Maple Leafs 5, Flyers 3

At Philadelphia, Mikael Renberg scored a power-play goal with 5:39 left, leading Toronto over the Flyers.

The Flyers outshot the Leafs 31-15, but Toronto scored four goals on its first 13 attempts against Roman Cechmanek. Alexander Mogilny had three goals, for his first playoff hat trick, and Tie Domi also scored for the Leafs.

Ed Belfour made 28 saves for Toronto, which has won four straight first-round series.

Eric Desjardins, Donald Brashear and Eric Weinrich scored for Philadelphia, which has been eliminated in the opening round four of the last five years.

Devils 2, Bruins 1

At East Rutherford, N.J., Jamie Langenbrunner scored twice and Martin Brodeur made 26 saves for New Jersey.

Bryan Berard scored for the Bruins in the opener that featured plenty of hard hits.

Langenbrunner staked the Devils to a 2-0 lead with goals in each of the first two periods against Steve Shields. Brodeur made three good saves down the stretch after Berard's third-period goal.

Shields, not announced as the starter until Wednesday, stopped 26 shots.




 
Devils take Game 1
EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. -- Jamie Langenbrunner is making amends for disappointing the New Jersey Devils in the playoffs a year ago.

Langenbrunner scored twice and Martin Brodeur had 26 saves to lead the Devils to a 2-1 win over the Boston Bruins in the opener of their first-round playoff series Wednesday night.

Langenbrunner didn't score a goal in the Devils' first-round loss to the Carolina Hurricanes last year and he finished with one assist in five games in what turned out to be an embarrassing exit for New Jersey.

"I was awful," said Langenbrunner, who was acquired along with Joe Nieuwendyk last March in a major trading deadline deal with Dallas.

"I didn't do what I was supposed to do," added Langenbrunner, who had 10 goals when the Stars won the Stanley Cup in 1999. "There was some disappointment in that. I think this year, you want to come in and make up for it. None of us had the playoff we wanted to last year. You don't ever want to lose in the first round. We all have something to prove."

The Bruins, who got a third-period goal from Bryan Berard, are in the same category this year. They were stunned by Montreal in the opening round despite being the top seed in the Eastern Conference.

"I thought we had the upper hand in the third period," Berard said. "We played a lot down in their end and used our size. We made a couple of mistakes that cost us, but it was a good effort."

There were plenty of hard hits, and both teams played with a chippiness that could make this an interesting series. Game 2 in the best-of-7 series is Friday before the series shifts to Boston for two games.

Langenbrunner staked the Devils to a 2-0 lead with goals in each of the first two periods against Steve Shields. Brodeur made them stand with three good saves down the stretch.

Brodeur made a stick save on Jozef Stumpel on a two-on-one with 8:35 left. He made a stick and blocker save on Glen Murray a little more than a minute later and he stopped a bouncing shot by Berard with 2:35 to go.

The save on Murray was a little lucky.

"It hit my (stick) knob and blocker and stayed in front of me," Brodeur said after his 68th career playoff win.

Shields, who ended up with the starting assignment after Bruins coach Mike O'Connell hesitated to pick a goalie, played well in stopping 26 shots.

Langenbrunner gave the Devils the lead with 4:25 left in the first period, beating Shields with the rebound of a Jeff Friesen shot.

Both teams had good chances early in the second period. Shields made a phenomenal skate save on John Madden on a rebound in close with about 11 minuets left in the period and Rob Zamuner of Boston had a shot glance off the goal post with under nine minutes remaining.

Langenbrunner stretched the Devils' lead to 2-0 on a bad play by Bruins forward Michal Grosek. His cross-ice pass from deep in his zone hit Nieuwendyk's stick and set up Langenbrunner all alone for a shot from between the circles at 11:38.

"Jamie's played well all year long," Devils coach Pat Burns said. "He does have a knack of getting the big goal at the right time. That goal, when he picked off that pass in the middle, that was heads up hockey on his part."

Berard scored at 3:28 of the third period on a play that appeared to be offsides. The defenseman's feet seemed to be over the blue line before he got control of Joe Thornton's pass and then beat Brodeur with a shot from the high slot on a play that Devils defenseman Ken Daneyko provided a screen.

"I actually thought it was a little offsides and there was no whistle," Berard said. "Daneyko gave me a little screen and Martin was a little too deep."



 
Man Unloads Currency the Old Fashion way... A Tuscaloosa man flooded three hotel rooms when he tried to flush counterfeit bills down a toilet as police raided his room, authorities said.

Travis Leon Jackson, 21, was charged with first-degree criminal mischief after allegedly causing more than $1,000 damage to his third-floor room and the ones below while trying to flush the fake cash Monday.

The U.S. Secret Service is investigating and Jackson could also face federal charges.

An employee at another hotel reported finding cut-up bills in a room, and investigators later found a large amount of marijuana packaged for sale at Jackson's home, Tuscaloosa police Lt. Randy Vaughn said.

The cost of the damage warranted the criminal mischief charge, Vaughn said.

Vaughn is unsure how much of the money, printed in $20, $50 and $100 denominations, has been circulated in the area.

"He's been all over town with it," said Capt. Mike Everett, commander of the department's criminal investigations division. "We expect to see more that he has passed. If we trace it to him he will face more charges."

Investigators recovered approximately $1,000 in fake money at the second hotel, some of it shredded or cut in half. They found more bills in the trash at the first hotel.

Police also seized a color printer, currency and other items relating to counterfeiting when they arrested Jackson.

 
Data Base filled up... DB Manager Reports...New York City police say they will destroy a database that contains information about the prior political activity of people involved in recent anti-war demonstrations.

The police department began questioning protesters who were arrested at the demonstrations and used a debriefing form to create the database. But once the practice was revealed, the department said it would eliminate it, The New York Times reported in Thursday editions.

The debriefing forms were used by detectives to record where arrested demonstrators attended school, what membership they had in any organizations and any involvement in past protests.

Constitutional scholars and civil libertarians said keeping the databases and asking for such information raised First Amendment issues.

The New York Civil Liberties Union, upon being notified by demonstrators that they were being asked for such information, sent a letter to Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly suggesting constitutional issues could be involved.

Department spokesman Michael O'Looney said Commissioner Kelly and deputy intelligence commissioner David Cohen did not know the debriefing forms were in use.

Once it was called to their attention, Kelly and Cohen ended the use of the forms. O'Looney said no disciplinary action was planned against the officials who were responsible for developing the data collection.

He said the department will continue to ask arrested protesters about their organizational affiliations, but would keep the information in the form of a tally.


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