Flash Gordon Left Me The Keys

The TEST OF ALL MOTHERS

Monday, April 14, 2003

 
WASHINGTON, DC—During a White House meeting with visiting Spanish prime minister and fellow allied-forces leader Jose Maria Aznar, President Bush subconsciously sized up Spain for invasion Monday.

"Aznar was pledging his ongoing support for the Iraqi war effort when, out of nowhere, this odd look came across George's face," National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice said. "He sat quiet for a moment, like he was going to say something, but then he just shook his head as if to chase the thought away."

At the meeting, Aznar ruled out sending Spanish combat troops to Iraq but pledged to provide a hospital vessel, a mine-clearing unit, a team of chemical-detection experts, and several oil tankers.

"And you have no nuclear weapons, right?" Bush asked Aznar. "And no chemical or biological weapons or anything like that? Just curious."

Aznar also promised that if Iraq attacks neighboring Turkey, he would contribute six F-18 warplanes, a Hercules C-130 refueling plane, and a search-and-rescue helicopter.

"The Hercules C-130," said Bush, staring off into the distance. "Those are pretty old. Hmm."

As the conversation turned toward the siege of Baghdad, Bush interrupted and returned to the subject of Spain's military strength—or lack thereof.

"So, all in all, your country has 105,000 standing troops total?" Bush said. "That's it?"

Aznar later told Bush that Spain's King Juan Carlos sent his greetings, once again piquing the president's interest.

"It seems a bit outdated to have a king," Bush said. "Are your people happy with him? Do you think your people would rather rule themselves, like in a democracy?"

Aznar explained that Spain is a constitutional monarchy.

"The prime minister must be approved by our legislature," Aznar told Bush. "You see, each of our autonomous regions has its own regional government and exercises legislative and executive authority in the manner outlined by the national constitution."

Bush then asked about Spain's longstanding troubles with separatist groups.

"That situation with the Catalans and the Basques," Bush said. "How serious is that?"

When Aznar inquired as to why Bush was asking, the president said he "was just wondering, for no reason."

"There was something strange about his questions, although I cannot put my finger on it," Aznar said. "And he seemed very excited about the anti-government protests in Madrid a few days ago, until I told him they were protesting our involvement in the Iraq war."

Secretary of State Colin Powell, who was in attendance, also noticed some unusual behavior on the part of Bush.

"During the meeting, the president was absentmindedly doodling on some documents, one of which had a map of Europe on it," Powell said. "I noticed he drew a series of arrows originating on the Canary Islands and moving in toward Madrid."

Powell recalled that during last month's summit in the Azores, Bush seemed oddly fixated on Spain.

"[Bush] said Spain didn't seem to be all that prosperous for a nation whose main export is oil," Powell said. "I told him Spain doesn't produce a lot of oil. Finally, we figured he must've been thinking of olive oil, and we both had a big laugh about it."

Powell said that upon returning home from the Azores summit, Bush continued to insist that "there is some big oil-producing nation that speaks Spanish."

"I told him he must be thinking of Venezuela," Powell said. "They are very rich in oil. So now he wants a full report on Venezuela by Monday. Ever since this war with Iraq, he's been a real geography buff."


 
[Zweibel is an American success story. Born into a life of wealth and privilege, Mr. Zweibel assumed editorship of The Onion in 1898, and slowly built it into America's preeminent and only journal of record. Mr. Zweibel is retired now, living life to its fullest in his bedchamber in a lavishly appointed 650-room estate out East. He has graciously agreed to share with Onion Sunday Magazine a few patriotic thoughts about the greatness of our country, and what it truly means to be an American.]

Another Sunday has dawned upon our blessed Republic, and the great American populace is busy donning its best Sunday go-to-meeting attire and putting scented pomade in its hair. Kitchens are fragrant with the odor of Cream of Wheat and frying bacon. Children squeal in delight at the sound of the Sunday news-paper thumping against the front porch, and madly scramble to get the first glimpse of the latest brilliantly colored adventures of the Yellow Kid, Barney Google, and those mischievous Katzenjammers.

This, my readers, is what America means to me. The right of the people to know what goes on in the wide world about them, even on the Lord's Day. The inalienable right of all Americans to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Shortly, I myself shall be wheeled into my private chapel to give thanks for the blessings my Precious Lord and Divine Savior Jesus Christ in Almighty Heaven Above has seen fit to bestow upon me. My manservant Standish has polished my prosthetic iron knees to a blinding luster, so that I may be able to humbly kneel before our glorious and most merciful God.

But before I do so I must have my sphincter scraped out. It frequently gets so calcified that it is in a permanent state of contraction. My nurse has to go in there with a small tool and chip off the deposits. The pain is unimaginable. Aaaaaagh! You ham-fisted slattern! You're not holding an ice-pick! Who do you think I am, the Comstock Lode? You'll mine no silver there, I can tell you that, sister! You'll find plenty in the dining-room, although I expect you've already discovered that. Treacherous she-boar.

My son J. Phineas asked me to write something for the Sunday news-paper supplement, an idea he had conceived. I was dead-set against the idea of a Sunday news-paper supplement from the very start, and my sentiments proved sound once my nurse read aloud to me a few articles from this worthless fish-wrapper. Inside was a story about a man and his lady whose wastrel son had consumed too much corn-squeezings and cracked the family jalopy against a gaslight, inspiring the grief-stricken parents to travel to schools across the country and warn youngsters against the perils of drunkardness. Another featured a seven-year-old dying of the cancer whose last wish it was to visit a bizarre amusement-park out West which displayed individuals dressed in grotesquely oversized mice heads. Also profiled was a wanton lady actress of the photo-plays, whose lust for fame was so intense that she shamelessly confessed an addiction to illegal medicinal potions, and how she was fighting to overcome her loathsome habit.

As my nurse read, I grew apoplectic at the notion that this sob-sister stuff, this journalistic humbuggery, was being published by an organ world-renowned for its newsworthy content. I attempted to snatch the offending abomination from my nurse's hands, but in doing so ripped open an excruciating sore on my behind that still requires round-the-clock attention to this day.

And you can't tell me that this doesn't adversely affect our coverage of the crucial events and issues of our day. I can't even recall the last time we heard any new dispatches from the Western Front. Dammit! For all we know, the Germans have already overrun Paris and the Kaiser is making blood-sausage out of the French populace. Quick, President Wilson, I implore you to send our doughboys Over There to thwart the evil Huns and their baby-eating ways! 54-40 or fight! Tippecanoe and Tyler too!


 
Well Patton? What do we do?
 
Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said yesterday that senior members of Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein's ousted regime already have escaped from Iraq to Syria, and some have gone from Syria to other countries.
The Washington Times reported Saturday that the Bush administration has received intelligence reports that top Iraqi weapons scientists fled to Syria and that some may be trying to enter France. France has a history of aiding Iraq's military and vehemently opposed the war.
The Times reported that either one or both of Iraq's two top biowarfare researchers, nicknamed "Dr. Germ" and "Mrs. Anthrax," have shown up in intelligence reports as escaping to Syria.
Asked yesterday on NBC's "Meet the Press" if senior Saddam aides have fled to Syria, Mr. Rumsfeld said, "Oh, there's no question but that they did. Absolutely. ... Some left and went to Syria and stayed, and some have left Iraq, gone to Syria and transited to other countries."
Asked if "Dr. Germ" and "Mrs. Anthrax" are among them, the defense secretary said there was "nothing that I want to discuss about individuals of Saddam's regime."
The actions of Syria, which like the former Iraqi state is run by a hard-line Ba'athist regime, have become a major diplomatic sideshow during the war.
The Bush administration not only accuses Damascus of harboring Ba'ath Party Iraqis, but also says it is permitting paramilitary "death squads" to enter Iraq from Syria to kill American troops. During the war's early days, it accused Syria of sending night-vision equipment to Iraq's military.
Syria's deputy ambassador to the United States, Imad Moustapha, followed Mr. Rumsfeld on "Meet the Press" and denied all charges.
Asked about The Times report, he said, "You know, it's been a campaign of disinformation and misinformation, and misinformation about Syria since even before the war started. And this is just an ongoing series of false accusations."
Mr. Moustapha said people inside the State Department and CIA are "very unhappy about this campaign against Syria." He denied that any senior Iraqi had entered his country.
Despite the ambassador's denials, U.S. officials said they have evidence that Damascus is harboring Iraqis. They also say non-Iraqi Arabs are being organized in Syria and then sent by bus and truck into Iraq.
Gen. Tommy Franks, the allied commander, said the fighters are coming from Syria, as well as other countries that he did not name.
"We have seen recruiting material that has been passed out in a number of countries," he said on CNN "Late Edition with Wolf Blitzer."
The Times reported Saturday that intelligence reports show biowarfare scientists Huda Salih Mahdi Ammash and Rihab Taha were seeking to enter Syria, and that one or both made it. The reports said some Iraqis were trying to gain entry to France.
Mrs. Ammash is nicknamed "Mrs. Anthrax" for her role in overseeing all of Iraq's biowarfare research. She is one of the few woman Ba'athists ever photographed with Saddam at a Cabinet meeting. She also is one of the 55 most-wanted regime figures on a "deck of cards" that U.S. Central Command issued to troops. She is the five of spades.
Mrs. Taha, who is nicknamed "Dr. Germ," is not on the list. She spearheaded Iraq's program to include deadly anthrax in its weaponry.
President Bush yesterday repeated his warning to Syria.
"The Syrian government needs to cooperate with the United States and our coalition partners," Mr. Bush said at the White House. "It must not harbor any Ba'athist, any military officials who need to be held to account."
Secretary of State Colin L. Powell yesterday kept up the pressure during a British Broadcasting Corp. interview.
"We have designated Syria for years as a state that sponsors terrorism," he said, adding that it would be unwise if Syria "suddenly becomes a haven for all these people who should be brought to justice."
Syria's president is Bashar Assad, son of Hafez Assad, who ruled Syria for 30 years before his death in 2000. The United States accuses Syria of actively supporting Islamic groups who carry out terrorists attacks against Israel.

 
US marines have discovered 278 artillery shells carrying a substance that tested positive as a chemical agent, senior officers said yesterday. But other US military sources played down the importance of the find.

Major Stephen Armes, operations officer of the Marines 1st Battalion, 5th Regiment, said the shells containing suspected blister agents were found in trailers in a schoolyard. Three were mounted on launchers, he said.

"They tested positive for chemical weapons," he told AFP. But Lieutenant Colonel Fred Padilla, the battalion commander, said more tests were required.

General Tommy Franks said earlier that US forces have yet to find conclusive proof that Iraq possessed weapons of mass destruction, but thousands of sites remain to be searched.

"I have not found any that I have absolutely satisfied myself are ... weapon of mass destruction materials," Gen Franks told CNN.


"But you're talking about 2,000, 3,000 perhaps, places in this country where we know we're going to go and investigate each one of them.


"We may have ... somewhere between five and 10 and 15 site exploitations ongoing in a 24-hour period of time."

Some of these tests may take as long as the war itself he said.

The US and Britain invaded Iraq on March 20, saying Saddam Hussein had failed to declare banned weapons.
But there has been no chemical or biological attack against invading troops, and no confirmed discovery of banned weapons has been reported.


Military planners are convinced Iraq planned to use chemical weapons against the invaders, but its command and control was so overwhelmed by the speed and ferocity of the US advance hat the order never went out.

The Iraqi army was based on a Soviet model, in which officers wait for orders from superiors and rarely take initiatives.


Planners say this could explain why many bridges rigged for destruction were not blown up: the divisional commanders simply were not contactable to give the orders.


Officials suspect the Iraqis may have balked at using chemical weapons because of severe warnings on leaflets dropped by US forces.






 
Soldiers say they've found a James Bond-style arsenal at a home in Baghdad.

The troops found 21 briefcases made to hold MP5K nine-millimeter submachine guns. Pull a trigger on the briefcase handle, and the gun fires.

They also found several silencers for nine millimeter pistols and a gold-plated MP5 fitted with a silencer. That was in a presentation case.

There were also air pistols with pellet magazines labeled stinger, noise, tear gas and cyanide.

Outside the house in central Baghdad was a Soviet-era Volga sedan holding two 4,400 pound safes -- empty.
 
Deep Throat /Is Hillary the real Deep Throat?...Monica Lewinsky said her life was a reality show -- so she might as well host one.
The former White House intern whose relationship with former President Bill Clinton led to his impeachment is now the host of a dating game on Fox called "Mr. Personality."
"Mr. Personality" features a stockbroker named Hayley and 20 masked men vying for her affection. Hayley must choose a man based on his inner beauty. She'll get dating advice from Lewinsky.
Besides her TV gig, Lewinsky designs purses and is considering law school or graduate school in psychology.


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